…and which ones would pummel me?
I am not an avid watcher of MMA fights but I have seen my fair share ‘BT Sport’ highlight reels and Conor McGregor press conference compilations on my ‘Facebook’ news feed. This is enough to know who I could defeat, who would make me wish I was never born and who could have tried a little harder with their key subjects at school. Whether you are regular “pay-per-view” customer or someone who couldn’t separate a fighter from a spectator if you were at the event, please ensure you meander through this article so you can learn who you can and cannot pick a fight with.
Khabib Nurmagomedov
This Russian bundle of joy wears a silly sheep-skin hat that resembles a marshmallow to his fights and weigh-ins. Everyone has a gimmick these days but surely this one goes too far; he is one chocolate fountain away from a delicious dessert for a head. The possibility that I could potentially defeat Khabib is founded in my yellow belt grade karate skills. My arsenal consists of superb form in a both punches and kicks, an expertise Khabib cannot rely upon. Although he lacks the kickboxing skill I possess, he more than makes up for this with his wrestling ability; the man knows more positions than the ‘Karma Sutra’. Some might argue the fact he has never lost a fight weighs heavily against me, however, if I keep to my feet, I am sure that I can burn him like a ‘Flump’ put to flame.
Conor McGregor
If making whisky, beating up old men and trash talking was a sport, McGregor would still be a champion. The fact he currently isn’t in the profession he has dedicated his career to, tells you all you need to know. McGregor’s alcoholism and dedication to coming up with cunning insults jeopardises his form, something I would mean to exploit in the octagon. One tug upon his Viking like beard followed by a schoolboy nipple twist will send him to the floor harder than a sack of potatoes. The Irishman has the Midas touch when it comes to headlining MMA bouts, so believe you me when the time comes, I most certainly will be breaking out the red panties.
Brock Lesnar
If Lesnar were a seafood he would be a pufferfish. He has all the correct characteristics. He is prickly around the edges, flairs up when angry and is poisonous if you take too much of him. Just like ‘Bob the Builder’ without his talking cement mixer, I cannot say I have the appropriate tools unstick this brute. The pufferfish used to work in WWE meaning he’s followed more scripts than Al Pacino and probably has a say in what way his UFC bouts go too, I wouldn’t want to say no to him. I would advise that staying away from this creature is to be advised as he is as beefed up as a cattle farm and could have me for breakfast.
Nate Diaz
Evidently you can make something of yourself if you fail school. Diaz resembles ‘Lennie’ from ‘Of Mice and Men’ rather than one of the world’s top fighters. Slurred speech and a dazed look that always befalls his face, leads me to see him as anything but intimidating. An extreme build-up of scar tissue above his right eye busts open with little more than a poke and an inability to recite the alphabet have always prevented this fighter from reaching the peak of his sport. Diaz has been unlucky in some bouts, by way of decision, but there will be no luck involved in ours. He is going to be sent back to school with this knockout.
Jorge Masvidal
You won’t catch me going anywhere near this Miami born fighter. He is as scary as they come. Masvidal has probably killed as many people as the Krays combined and despite being trained on the same street fight worthy tarmac as my idol, Kimbo Slice, my admiration for him only goes as far as my want for his forest like beard and luscious locks of hair, which reach his shoulders. Unfortunately, I do not have high hopes for my chances against the man with the fastest knockout in UFC history and will be more than likely living in fear of Masvidal for the rest of my life.
In summary… avoid the big angry looking ones and aim for those that look like they couldn’t spell their name if their life depended on it. Ciao.
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