This list won’t do me any favours but let’s rank some cars.
I’m sure, that just like me, you’ve been in a greater assortment of cars than there are flavours of ice cream. I am 20 years of age and everyone around me wants to show off their “whip”, regardless of whether its respectable or barely running. I have compiled a list of my friends cars that I have been in, that I can remember being in at least, and rating them. This is completely subjective and in no particular order so if you own one of these cars don’t be a snowflake.
Ford Fiesta:
Representing bang for your buck, my experience with a Ford Fiesta has been nothing but pleasant. Comfortable leather seats and a smooth ride, clearly there’s nothing enthralling here other than the owner’s infatuation with Lewis Capaldi. If Ford Fiestas were chocolate bars, they would be a ‘Dairy Milk’, exceedingly consistent, yet plain, and at the end of the day you realise you could’ve risked it for a ‘Twix’. A further plus side to the Fiesta is, that much like your nan’s biscuit tin, its small but roomy and still performs well when delivering the goods.
Nissan Micra:
Unlike the Fiesta, the size of this car does alter its performance. The car staggered its way through gear changes and was creaking by the end of its tenure; admittedly this is more likely due to the owner dishing out more donuts in car parks than 'Krispy Kreme' than by fault of the car. The Micra I had the misfortune of being transported in was a hotel for takeaway rubbish. Boxes littered the back seats and footwells whilst looking in the boot was like re-watching that one scene from ‘The Godfather’. Fortunately, the driver of this car has since moved on to bigger and better things and never looked back.
Fiat 500:
Fiat 500 by numbers. Around 75% of ‘Love Island’ viewers own this car. 100% of Fiat 500 owners have at some point been subscribed to ‘Zoella’. 6,027 legs have been broken by backseat passengers due to insufficient leg room. 3 people over the age of 21 own this car, 2 of them are 30-year-old women with failed marriages and 1 is a man with schizophrenia who thinks he is driving a 'Jeep'. 67% of all Fiat 500 crashes occur through collisions with other cars at less than 10mph due to the driver being distracted by a dog, the other 33% occur at less than 5mph as the driver reverses into a static object. 6/10.
Mini normal/countryman:
It’s a duel entry for the Minis. The standard edition has about the same amount of leg room as an ‘EasyJet’ flight’, whilst the countryman is in fact an antonym of “mini”. If you drive this car you are probably in denial about sniffing as much ketamine as a Grand National competing racehorse and have had more people in your car than Gary Glitter had children in his dressing room. The mini is a respectable car yet criminally overrated by its owners. Yes, it will get you from A to B, but it has the acceleration of a glorified golf kart and is about as comfortable as those wooden benches you got to sit on in primary school.
BMW 1 Series:
From to Nissan Micra to Escobar’s distributer, the owner of this car really did rise high in the rankings. Smooth electric windows allow for quick, quiet and incognito transactions, whilst powerful air conditioning blasts the stink of hash away, allowing for a nice atmosphere when trying not to be pulled over by the police. Oh wait! You won’t need to worry about that, the windows are completely blacked out so they won’t be able to see you. This car provides a comfortable drive and quick acceleration to allow you to collect debts with the same conviction as the Krays, redefining what it means to be a gangster.
Land Rover Discovery:
The owner of this car needs a step ladder to get in. Its massive yet comfortable and can bully surrounding cars which are miniatures compared to the great behemoth you are being transported in. Fire, wind and snow will not halt this raging beast although its possessor's preference of getting a taxi will. My short lived yet memorable journey to the pub in this truck will always be recollected fondly, I kept filming myself to show how cool I was for being inside it; I got the numbers of three females that night. This car is not so much of a system of movement as it is a flex, a strong entry.
Nissan Note:
Like the Ford Fiesta, you feel safe yet not excited in this car. My first and most likely last trip in this vehicle was to McDonalds late at night. Drunk and failing to figure out how the window worked, I resorted to evacuating the chips I had spilt by opening the door slightly on the return journey, much to the dismay of the driver. That’s just about as interesting as it gets in this car. 4 wheels, an engine and worst of all a safe motorist makes it completely dull. Considering its possessor likes boxing, I am hoping he takes a leaf out of Chris Eubank’s book and adds “a little bit of spice”.
Toyota Yaris:
Considering every ‘Uber’ driver in the country owns a Toyota Prius, you wouldn’t think it far fetched for the Yaris to hold similar shape and performance, you would be mistaken. Lacking the innovation of the electric motor and being rather smaller than expected, this car performs, but not as you had once hoped it to prior to seeing it. Despite being a slightly older issue of this car, I will not hold any punches, being driven up the A40 in it felt like being in an ‘EasyJet’ flight about to take off due to the car being so light. Auspiciously, the proprietor’s admiration for Ella Fitzgerald makes up for any short comings his car may have.
Volkswagen Beetle (1960s):
This is an honourable mention as I have not yet been driven in this car, but it does exist and is owned by a friend. The engine was rebuilt by its owner and it’s a nice car, however, I am not looking forward to the day he is killed by it exploding. A further negative is that Hitler designed this car. Once aware of this it becomes less of "The peoples car," but rather more "Ich bin ein Berliner".
Ultimately, it would be unfair for me to rank these cars from best to worst. Each and everyone brings something different and interesting to the table, except the Nissan Micra, that car is utter shit! Ciao.
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