The Battle of the Social Media Outlets!
We are all quarantined right now, so there is clearly no better time to decide what is the best social media app to waste your time on. Newbie ‘TikTok’ competes with the likes of ‘Facebook’, ‘Snapchat’, ‘Twitter’ and ‘Instagram’ for Social Media App of The Year (so far), also known as S.M.A.T.Y.
Facebook:
There is a different breed of people on ‘Facebook’. Caffeine fuelled mums returning from the school run own the News Feed page with the same amount of brutishness and tenacity as Genghis Khan. The advantages of owning this app include any and every comment section, as they produce either a fight or comedic gold and any page run by an Australian comedian, they have good humour. On the other hand, constant advertising, click-bait news headlines, “Which celebrity is my doppelganger?” games and a guy named Marvin, who keeps sharing political posts followed by snide remarks, have all dampened my experience with ‘Facebook’.
If you use this app you are either:
· Unemployed
· A Mum
· Under 12
· Bored
Snapchat:
^Snap score that is. ‘Snapchat’ is a snake, your snap score rats you out to your significant other quicker than ‘Perfect Peter’ can shout “MUM”, as its car-like mileage, informs them of the 15 people you’ve messaged just 30 seconds after you screenshotted their nudes; and that’s not even mentioning snap maps, conceived to be a device used to destroy both relationships and friendships alike, you’re better off without looking at these features. Despite this, there are several positives with ‘Snapchat’, the fact your messages disappear like Houdini, allowing you to forget your previous indecencies is an underrated feature that deserves more credit. Additionally, there as an intimacy that can be found in ‘Snapchat’ that is more familial than that of other social media apps. Only people you’ve actually met will be making it onto your snapchat, if this is not the case, I would definitely make sure your location services are off. Finally, it is useful to note that ‘Snapchat’ has had more updates changing its interface than Taylor Swift has had relationships, and if there’s one thing we can learn from that its: don’t get attached.
If you use this app you are either:
· In a relationship
· Living on your own
· Have a limited amount of friends
Twitter:
The memes come here first - yay.
You realise how sad it is that you get excited when a celebrity posts a 280-character message about penguins - boo.
If you use this app you are either:
· Up to date on world news
· Think you are better than everyone else
· Built so big of a connection with a pornstar you care about what they have to say on veganism
Instagram:
Bootleg runway models and intuitive 60-second cooking videos. No, I am not describing a sexual fantasy I had last night, these are actually 80% of the posts you will see on ‘Instagram’. The app has it all, posts, likes, comments, an inbox, 24-hour stories and your estranged uncle. This app is the place you post your best pictures, so that the world can drool over you like a bloodhound that has just smelt a steak dinner. Alternatively, switch your account to private so only a select 1200 can salivate, leaving as much as possible to the imagination for the fans locked out like lepers, who just wanted a chance to stand in awe of your beauty. The down side to ‘Instagram’ however, is the popularity contest it promotes through the counting of likes and followers. The worst kind of people are those who unfollow another because they want a better ratio of followers to following, what a sad little life, Jane! If ‘Instagram’ was a television programme it would be ‘Love Island’.
If you use this app you are either:
· A teenager
· Wannabe Model
· Can’t be bothered to use twitter
· Kylie Jenner
TikTok:
Has there ever been a better virtual manifestation of Covid-19? First everyone thought it was okay, this period of ‘Vine’ 2.0 will pass, but much like the virus it snuck up on us, worked its way into our homes, and now what? We can’t get rid of it, its become a part of every day life. It's underaged girls who throw out the fishing line on this ship, reeling in perverted men with dances and cleavage, both easy views and followers. Be safe out there. As you can imagine, the contents of ‘TikTok’ leave you questioning what is right or wrong anymore, there is plenty of offense to be taken from some of the posts – but oh golly is it entertaining. Be wary of the underaged girls, racist jokes and 2:1 proportion of rubbish to excellent post and you are all set, enjoy.
If you use this app you are either:
· Telling yourself it’s because you’re bored
· A pervert
· Just got your first phone
So, who gets it?
And the S.M.A.T.Y goes too… ‘Instagram’.
Why?
Simply because it’s the app with the most utilities. Nothing I enjoy more than stalking someone’s profile, and if its not yours too, you’re either lying or don’t have the app. Ciao.
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